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What's the worst thing that happened to you at a funeral?
Kirstie says...
Last summer we had a couple of days when it was so hot I felt like I was officiating funerals on the sun. However 'out there' a funeral may be, us celebrants tend to show respect in what we wear. For me that's very rarely black (although it is if a family request it). But it is being covered. I owned not one single pair of flesh-coloured tights before doing this work. Now they are a summer essential. I'd never officiate a service with bare legs, bare arms, certainly never bare shoulders, and definitely never open-toed shoes.
Last summer as I stood at the lectern in a crematorium local to me, fully suited (including tights) in the laser-beam glare of the midday sun (there's a poorly placed high window which at certain times of the day turns anyone standing at the microphone into an ant under a magnifying glass) I was on the brink of spontaneous combustion. Mourners in summer dresses, bare arms and flip flops fanned themselves with the Orders of Service.
I resisted the urge to wipe the sweat moustache which was now making my top lip shine in the sun, but as I stepped down to stand before the coffin and turned my back to the mourners so that I could bow my final respects my body betrayed me.
The pool of moisture which had settled like a mill pond at the base of my spine spilled forth and a river of sweat ran down the back of each leg.
Distracting. Mortifying. More than a little bit minging.
I have faith that no mourners noticed, too focused on their grief.
Or perhaps just too polite to say anything.
Lyndsey says...
Oh I could just second Kirstie's here. The heat wins every time for my "worst" stories.
Once it was me, blinded by the dazzling sun through the crematorium windows. Unable to read my script, with sweat dripping down every inch of me and my throat as dry as the Sahara, I looked up to see a member of the 150 strong congregation slowly slide down the wall.
The poor lad had been standing as the chapel was full to bursting and I desperately tried to continue to deliver the service with most of the congregation unaware of the events unfolding at the back.
As a few people gathered round him and ensured he was ok, I found myself somehow reading away without actually being fully present. It was the hottest day on record. I melted from head to toe and my worry for the gentleman at the back continued until I saw him give me a thumbs up after a big drink of water.
What's the most personalised request you've ever had from a family?
Kirstie says...
Eeek! Well, everything! The key to doing our job well is to really listen and to hear what isn't as well as what is being said. In that sense every request is personalised. There have been a couple though that I don't think will ever be repeated. A stand-out one being a family whose loved-one was a massive fan of the 90s movie A Night at the Roxbury, starring Will Ferrell. He and his sons adored it, quoted it, watched it and rewatched it. There's a recurring theme in the film of a dance move being repeated along to the song What is Love? by Haddaway. The family had chosen this track as their exit music and asked me to do the dance move. Which, of course, I did.
Quoting people's often-used words or sayings is another particular favourite of mine, just this last week I was asked by a family to include the phrase "Smell it Linda! It can't be right!" and by another family to leave mourners by quoting the deceased's own favourite goodbye: "Let's f**k off!"
Both of which I was more than happy to oblige Eeek! Well, everything! The key to doing our job well is to really listen and to hear what isn't as well as what is being said. In that sense every request is personalised. There have been a couple though that I don't think will ever be repeated. A stand-out one being a family whose loved-one was a massive fan of the 90s movie A Night at the Roxbury, starring Will Ferrell. He and his sons adored it, quoted it, watched it and rewatched it. There's a recurring theme in the film of a dance move being repeated along to the song What is Love? by Haddaway. The family had chosen this track as their exit music and asked me to do the dance move. Which, of course, I did.
Quoting people's often-used words or sayings is another particular favourite of mine, just this last week I was asked by a family to include the phrase "Smell it Linda! It can't be right!" and by another family to leave mourners by quoting the deceased's own favourite goodbye: "Let's f**k off!"
Both of which I was more than happy to oblige
Lyndsey says...
Every service I create and deliver are personalised for the family but I have some favourites.
From a horseracing themed committal with racing commentary playing as the curtains close and I took my bow, to a karaoke session where we all sang and danced to an Alanis Morissette song. Then there was the beautiful natural burial where we all walked from the car park, among the trees with opera playing out on my portable speaker. That was an emotional and beautiful service!
But my all time favourite had to be when I organised for a video of my auntie olive to be uploaded to the crematorium music system so I could end the service with her very unique rendition of "Hickory Dickory Dock"
Which one of us would survive best on a desert island?
Kirstie says...
Lyndsey. I'm so relentlessly bloody optimistic that you'd have me dead and cooked by day three. And I would totally understand.
Lyndsey says...
Kirstie. I honestly think Kirstie with her love of all things vegan, mindfulness, yoga and repurposing, would excel on a desert island and I love her far too much to cook her on the BBQ, as I would be going against her funeral wishes to be buried in a shroud... I have a feeling I'd offer myself up as fish food by around day 10.
That is unless Kirstie and I could find a ball friend like "Wilson" from Castaway who we could entertain with our funeral chatter... I may survive longer then!
Who would play you in the movie of your life?
Kirstie says...
I'd like to say one of my most favourite incredibly beautiful and talented favourite actors, such as Toni Collette or Melissa McCarthy. But I think Jim Carrey's probably more appropriate.
If I could choose anyone from any period of time, it'd be Peter Sellers - no one else could convey my level of ridiculousness.
Although my family nickname has always been Glenda (as in Jackson) .......it's possible I'm overthinking this.
Lyndsey says... whilst still laughing at the thought of Jim Carey playing Kirstie!
Whilst I'd love to say someone glam like Nicole Kidman or Julia Roberts, it just has to be Melissa McCarthy. For anyone that knows the almost Eastenders like events that have happened in my life, how clumsy I can be sometimes, and how, on one hand I can be quite classy, well spoken and impeccably behaved. There's another side of me that is idiotic, embarrassing at times, short fused and far too outspoken! I think Melissa McCarthy could cover all elements of my life and personality and give everyone a good giggle!
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